the perpetrator

10/31/2025 12:14p:

tell me this is a temp problem. tell me what im doing that i need to stop. tell me what im not doing that i need to start. tell me what pharmaceutical i can take in the ass to numb myself into the level of chemical brain damage required for my nervous system to accept being systemically trapped by a perpetrator. tell me to continue hurting myself by choosing to live in abuse. tell me not to hurt myself for choosing to live in abuse. tell me that other people are legally and ethically permitted to hurt me. trap me w those people. tell me i can’t hurt myself.

when people dont receive the help they need and continue to ask , theyre silenced, most easily w incarceration (criminal justice or mental/behavioral health “brain prisons").

my life stops for abuse. the impact on my mental health of unrestrained contact w a perpetrator is suicide. if i stop seeking a permanent solution to this problem, the result is the same as if i don't; im dead.

for me, suicide isnt a decision to end my life, its a decision to stop surviving it. 

this post seems like it makes sense. i wont remember posting.

a week lost:

day of (1 week earlier):

he loved to have advantage in physical space; know he had her trapped. you should let them see you cry he told her. she hated crying. she didnt cry. 

she was trapped face to face w him. don't look. no pause. past the guard at the door, my body moved as my mind stalled and eventually raced to catch up. 

MOVE

walk climb corner get low push against. 

walls. shake clench flex cry suffer

im the person kneeling into the corner shaking and crying. please dont get help. im fine. please no one see me. 

emergency plan: 

contact law enforcement

marine sos the chat (in triplicate)

pause. 

someone on a call

shake clench flex cry suffer

talk

listen

on the way out the door i confidently chose to attend my first wrestling tournament ever (years), no backpack. regret. adapt. 

evaluate:

missing: mouthguard, tissues, tank top under shirt. 

have: phone airpods full charge water gum hoodie hat shorts under pants socks crocs 1 elastic sunnies

kids in action (sports) is something i stay alive for. i shamelessly lean into it and knowingly risk my own boundaries not to miss kids in action. had i known this risk, i woulda missed kids in action. leaving would be the best option for me (and my kid). not an option. 1 door. cant drive. trapped. 

sight environment coordinates tissues MOVE locate destination. end call. one airpod (conserve resources. practice on my own bc its harder and i want punishment. music. 

MOVE. climb. find a wall. it feels like i hit my head. dont hit my head. listen. stretch. shake clench flex cry suffer. feel how bad it is. feel comfort in suffering. attention. orient. breathe. settle. hurt. cry. understand how bad this will make suicide wo knowing when or for how long. i don't want to survive my memories. i don't want to survive this round of suffering.

it hurts. 

dont hurt myself. 

keep deciding to do it. 

infinity. 

i think i said ask me questions bc suicides intense rn (before this). livings suicide. whats temporary?  

a lot of people [in physical touch distance] yelling, banging, moving, emotionally aggressive. whistles. buzzers. i cant open my eyes bc of the intensity of my capacity for hearing in this setting. eyes closed. i see colors and jump as they slice through my consciousness into this dimension. reality. music. find background noise. blend in as many dimensions as possible. fade.

emergency plan: will do, won't do, want to do, don't want to do (do nothing is an option): hold my breath, stretch, shift: [clench and flex] to [isometric hold], repetitive movement, hum, breathe through shaking and effort. look up and see my kid before the tourn is over. cry. put the hate and rage into the black panther suit, not into me. collect and pour into anything accessible thats not suicide: write. glutes for isometric hold bc these bleachers hurt. 

healing: isometric glute holds eventually make me shake. the living/this dimension reality that isometric holds provide the shaking feels like self harm feels for suicide; a slap back into living/validity of this dimension's reality. shaking/physical release heals. the shaking will stop (if im dead). make it shake. my feet keep cramping. my left leg down to my knee and into the arch of my foot is cold which must mean my hip hurts. 

kids look good. 3rd place.

next day:

i feel my heartbeat thudding in the base of my skull. the height of the pitch in my ears is hard to open my eyes to and leaves my scalp electric. i have to feel my way. i have to chant where im going to remember (7 turns away, 9 turns home). my sense of time makes me feel like the end of the day at an amusement park. barf. ex: i know i didnt do a task and im sure i remember doing this task when it was “today” —on repeat. 

i fed my dogs; theyre not home. ive been standng in one place a long time and bumping into things a lot. i left the stove on atw high and burned the rice. i left the grill on atw high and burned the chicken. it took 7hrs to make 3lbs of chicken and 9c of rice. bilateral music. 

death by resilience is the only death id refuse. 

the water sounds like dying:

https://open.spotify.com/track/5ri3JYrCbCMfeda4mYjUeR?si=BbmNeFgWTe-wAt4zZzofsA&context=spotify%3Aalbum%3A1cnWtddVEB5SmKbIqMYns4

i want the person who feels like dying to punish me. ill say please. 

suicide preventions a practice

day after:

12:27p my arms are eminem heavy in a way i wish i didn't understand

suicide is:

being trapped

law enf

hopelessness

abuse

memories

lack of self harm/punishment

yellow bar at the top of my email(s)

hopelessness from law enforcement

feeling physical feeling

lack of physical feeling

feeling in my head

lack of sense in my head

my hotwired senses

communication

living

part of my emergency plan is i have to notify emergency contacts (including mult law enforcement). my kids and i have to be aware that any attorney, judge, officer, neighbor, shade of human can have me put me on another involuntary psychiatric admission with a phone call. that's not something i can survive again. the harm that's been done to me and is recorded on my public record leaves me and my kids in perpetual, compounding risk.

"there's nothing the police can do to restrict him from me in terms of physical distance? if he comes to my home, officers won't respond if i call?"

"he has a right to be anywhere he wants. you can move." the officer told me over the phone.

i looked at the other officer, human seated across from me in the room, to see if he heard. his tone shifted. i quickly looked back down.

"i can move?"

"yes. out of this city."

"out of this state" i said.

"i cant remember waking up. i have to chant where i'm going to get to the laundry room. if i move i lose custody of my kids."

shaking, hearing, vision, memory, recall. neuropsychological evaluation

can i move?

they issue the threat of hospitalization.

i tell them who when and how to find me is on my mind and the answer is consistently them. i offer reassurance and confirmation; i'll continue to call them first when i'm not safe, like i'm doing now.  

i asked if it was a recorded line

day 3:

driving: like having kids in disney; i wna break shit and throw hands. i need space and all my senses to safely navigate to the destination w all kids intact. I have access to less than what’s required. i learn as i go (where to look for speed, where controls are, where i am in the route, where i am in the lane, where i’m going, where to look for speed, where controls are, where i am in the route, where i am in the lane, where i’m going, where to look for speed, where controls are, where i am in the route, where i am in the lane, where i’m going, where to look for speed, where controls are, where i am in the route, where i am in the lane, where i’m going).

day 4: my limitations do harm: i lost one support group and am unable to participate in all others bc of limitations in communication. as part of my own boundaries for harm reduction (not losing more space), i lose access to alternatives calls; my only form of "care" or support.

day 5: 

-all invitations declined bc of limitations. 

-advocacy work going forward will be limited to support in a team, not doing individual advocacy (reality of my limitations in consistency and reliability)

-auto reply on email

-linkedin/all social is full stop

-ideally communication w the outside world would stop so i don't have to constantly feel the loss of being forced out of participation in my own life.

-driving stops

a perpetrator’s right to leisure takes priority over my ability to live in safety. 

day 6:

my teeth hurt and i have a headache from clenching. mouthguard makes it worse. i feel trapped. it makes my heart race and my mind scramble. still shaking. 

sos. 

idk what day were on

10/30/2025 10:43a

idk remember what i was gna say. the back of my head behind my right ear and down my neck is cold. i just let myself realize the terror kf being home aline w 5 pets and not having a next step if he comes here. my ears are ringing so loud survivng this. i need to start asking more people for help. emergency plan rules apply even flr sos; full stop on communication including asking for help. my left ear is so high pitched it makes me feel like ima throw up and nakes my skin tingle down my back. i wish i could cry more. maybe my teeth hurt bc of my ears ringing. maybe the ringing is why im clenching. maybe my head will explode. maybe i'll have a massive cardiac event or a stroke. maybe i'll grow wings and fly directly to the sun, aiming for an abrupt fall and securing my escape.