kyber crystal

ptsd = gaining a life threatening capacity for awareness/consciousness (hypervigilance) from loss/trauma

i have ptsd forever.

i have suicide forever.

i didn't choose either.

i woke up with both.

managed ptsd is a superpower.

suicide is a kyber crystal.

may 2, 2022 my life ended. it was comfortable. it was nothing. when i refer to “nothing,” i mean the experience of my end of life consciousness. when i think about being there, i feel exhilarating relief in my chest. suicide achieves that consciousness.

coming back into life from nothing happens piece by piece. i lost things that were instinctive, like a sense of time and short term memory. i gained things wo experience, like an understanding of wave theory and quantum mechanics. my recovery is gaining a sense of self, piece by piece, managing the shock of these gains and losses, and adapting to survive.

the gains are as disorienting as the losses. the experience of ptsd is mind bending.

suicide is the point at which i break and can no longer manage and adapt to survive ptsd.

recovery is suicide prevention training. 

i spend every moment of every day in recovery.

if i stop for one second, i'm dead.

i schedule recovery first.

this morning, when i thought about stepping out of the shadows with my experience of suicide, i felt exhilarating relief in a stream of light from my chest. it felt healing, not nothing. i took a closed eyes pause to sponge it up. i understand suicide differently in this healing light. through the work and the opportunity i have with suicide, i gained a new facet of the kyber crystal to lean into, sunglasses off, when i need relief.

sturdy recovery is self sustaining, cycles, and evolves in chaos. it happens with life; a natural disaster not a straight line.

i hope to foster not just awareness but understanding around suicide prevention. sept is also national recovery month. i’m excited to share what i'm learning and see what i discover.

sept 1, 2024 (start of suicide sept/national recovery month): in shameless pursuit of recovery, i discovered a healing power source in suicide and feel exhilirating relief.